The last couple days have been hard on me. It's a very personal issue involving my children, and I'm not comfortable sharing the gory details on a blog. Just suffice to say that I'll probably be leaving for Belize ahead of them. I don't know how I managed to raise twins woth NO SENSE OF ADVENTURE! I feel very strongly that this plan is one that will benefit them in their lives. I see what the kids leaving high school have under them as a foundation, and it's scary! I have always just assumed that my kids would continue on to college. I feel that the cyber education I am able to offer them while in Belize will be plenty to allow for them to get their degree(s). I also feel that the opportunity to live in a completely different culture, a completely different way of life, would help to build their foundations even stronger. But alas! The nay sayers have gotten them. They have asked me to enroll them in school and allow them to live school years with him here in the states. They will visit for extended times, but they are not ready to jump in with both feet! As my children are my world, this presents quite a dilema. Without going into a "trash bash ex-fest" Allow me to say that I have been the primary care giver for these kids all their lives. Their father has had some issues over the years, and has not always been a fine upstanding father to them. My dilema is this... Do I go to court and force my kids to move 3000+ miles with me? I have spoken with my attorney, and because of the history, I would have no problem getting an order stating that they are to live and school with me from Belize and spend summers here with their father. The court will actually look at it as though I'm bending over backwards to assure that the twins still have the contact with their father that a child needs. But the whole nature of a court order is daunting. I fear that the kids will resent me if I take away the choice. Teens are hard enough, without turning them into resentful teens! I knew that a custody order was in order, to protect myself as well as the other parties involved. I never dreamed that I would have to sign off on an oprder that allowed for their (lax) father to have custody of them for 8 months a year! That's what it'll amount to...school years here with their dad and their friends...then summers in a third world country with Mom. This is tough on me. Just the thought is tough, imagine the day I have to walk away from them at the airport and leave them behind. Just writing it, makes me cry.

I have to continue. I have to push through. I am hoping that once this school year ends, and they come for a summer visit, that they fall so in love with the lifestyle, that they just stay with me. But even if they don't...even if they hate every slow minute of Belize life...They will still have some of the benefit of another culture. I will not turn back, or allow the nay sayers to instill the fear of the unknown in me! One of these pop stars has a slogan... "Everybody dies, but not everybody lives!" I am living! And once the twins see just HOW I'm living...hopefully they'll be living with me!